Damn recovery…

Damn recovery… | Aug, 2018
Personal Blog

Although I am so very grateful to not be in the same place, both physically and mentally that I was nine months ago, I’m learning that recovery is filled with ups and downs.

Good days and bad days.

I have no choice but to keep fighting forward, but sometimes it’s just such a lonely battle.

There is no medicine to fix my hurting heart, there is no cure for my frustration and sometimes the road seems never ending; it continues when I want to stop.

On the tough days, I remind myself when I was at my sickest, when my 92lb body just couldn’t get out of bed anymore, and my soul just ached.

Today, I make myself feel the sadness, loneliness, confusion, anger and pain that has consumed my life for so many years, just so I remember how far I have come.

When the urges surface to slip back into old habits...I grab all of the strength I have, and I force myself to remember that my eating disorder no longer defines me.

It has taken away precious time with family and friends. I have lost relationships that I could not nurture and maintain in my life. I have lost employment time again do the physical toll this has taken on my entire being.

Some days I hate my eating disorder, and I just want to scream, kick and punch until the pain goes away. I want to hurt it, so can never hurt me again, but the way to truly impact my eating disorder, is to let it go.

Recovery is not easy, and I have so much respect for every person out there that is trying so desperately to get their shit together.

I’m no where I want to be in my recovery, and yet I know I’m in this place for a reason.

I’m fighting because I am choosing to live, and I am deserving of a healthy body and mind.

It’s just a day...a moment in time...but my heart is heavy.

Am I ok?? No, but it’s ok, to not be ok sometimes.

There is a choice to be made, and I will choose to wipe my tears away.

I will build up the courage to finish this day and start a new one.

It’s all part of the journey, but I sure wish the days could be a little bit easier??

The Only Way Out is Through...

And I’m on my way <3

Today, being in wise mind, I realize that we are gifted with valuable lessons everyday, and we are to learn these lessons, then apply them in your life as needed.

People are not perfect, and I don’t believe that were intentionally malicious toward me. I believe that there was a stronger voice that controlled my thoughts and actions.

Over the past few months, I somehow learned to be stronger, mindful, put my needs first, be assertive, be kind, non- judgemental of others, have compassion, tolerance and patience toward myself and others. I chose to be honest about my eating disorder, and not hide in its shadow.

Society tells us to keep silent about our struggles. Get up, get dressed, do your hair, do your make up, get shit done...even if it hurts, because nobody really cares about ‘you’.

That my friends, is simply not the truth.

If I could go back in time, and look at those relationships that were toxic to me, would I uncover that just maybe, they were struggling too? What of they were doing their very best under the circumstances?

Yes, I believe my sadness would have been turned into wisdom, patience and understanding.

There is no relationship from the past or present that hurts my heart, in any way, anymore, and I see only lessons to be learned.

I am sorry that I let so many people slip away, and I hope they have found peace in their life.

We are all unique individuals with a story, we all offer this world many different things...so be open minded, and really listen to people with no judgement.

Challenge your eating disorder thoughts every day, but you are in control of this life; you are the only one to make change!

The Only Way Out is Through...


Image from Pexels.com - Pexels License - Source: Bruno Ticianelli

My name is Penny and my blog has been written to take you on my journey of living with an eating disorder. To share my strength, hope, courage, tears, sadness and heartache, and my wishes for a better tomorrow. I don't know how my story will end, but the words 'I gave up' will never be printed. I am choosing to battle for my life an yours! I hope to spread awareness on Eating Disorders and Mental Health Issues.