It’s okay to have a voice…

It’s okay to have a voice… | Aug, 2018
Personal Blog


I’m reminded everyday, of how precious and short, life can be.

I have spent time reminiscing of all the people that have walk in and out of my life. I have spent my feeling sad, instead of embracing the relationships I was being given, because my eating disorder made it clear that this was my only friend I could rely on in this life.

I realized that I spent a lot of time feeling sad that someone hurt me, that they were mean to me, criticized me, didn’t listen, ignored me, or played me like a game.

I think about how many tears I have cried, and how I just let these emotions weigh me down. I chose my eating disorder as my coping mechanism and just buried my reality deep into my soul.

I felt unloved, unworthy, stupid, not enough, weak and kind of like a door mat, that gets walked on everyday, and never noticed.

I’m learning now, and only now, that each of these different situations, were given to me as a life lesson. A life learning.

I never took a moment to understand what purpose a person served in my life, and why some stayed, while others moved on.

Instead of feeling the emotion of the situation, I took everything so personal, and just beat myself up inside, until I was so numb, it didn’t matter anymore.

I blamed myself for every struggle in my relationships, and just let myself hurt. I pushed people away, and was not forgiving to them or myself.

Today, being in wise mind, I realize that we are gifted with valuable lessons everyday, and we are to learn these lessons, then apply them in your life as needed.

People are not perfect, and I don’t believe that were intentionally malicious toward me. I believe that there was a stronger voice that controlled my thoughts and actions.

Over the past few months, I somehow learned to be stronger, mindful, put my needs first, be assertive, be kind, non- judgemental of others, have compassion, tolerance and patience toward myself and others. I chose to be honest about my eating disorder, and not hide in its shadow.

Society tells us to keep silent about our struggles. Get up, get dressed, do your hair, do your make up, get shit done...even if it hurts, because nobody really cares about ‘you’.

That my friends, is simply not the truth.

If I could go back in time, and look at those relationships that were toxic to me, would I uncover that just maybe, they were struggling too? What of they were doing their very best under the circumstances?

Yes, I believe my sadness would have been turned into wisdom, patience and understanding.

There is no relationship from the past or present that hurts my heart, in any way, anymore, and I see only lessons to be learned.

I am sorry that I let so many people slip away, and I hope they have found peace in their life.

We are all unique individuals with a story, we all offer this world many different things...so be open minded, and really listen to people with no judgement.

Challenge your eating disorder thoughts every day, but you are in control of this life; you are the only one to make change!

The Only Way Out is Through...

 

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My name is Penny and my blog has been written to take you on my journey of living with an eating disorder. To share my strength, hope, courage, tears, sadness and heartache, and my wishes for a better tomorrow. I don't know how my story will end, but the words 'I gave up' will never be printed. I am choosing to battle for my life an yours! I hope to spread awareness on Eating Disorders and Mental Health Issues.